Small Blue Thing
by Yan Niao
Summary: Rimudo feels like a small blue thing left all alone in despair because there's someone who will never be there for him ever again. Songfic, oneshot.


Hey, it's me again with yet another songfic! My only two chapter fics are still up for adoption, if you'd like to adopt, that'd be great!

This fic contains **heavy spoilers**, so if you're following the VIZ translation, I'd suggest not reading it unless you enjoy spoilers.

The lyrics of Suzanne Vega's "Small Blue Thing" aren't _exactly_ fitted for the situation here-- it's a song about domestic abuse, but I figured it would work if you look at the lyrics in the way I mean them to be looked at. I'm sure this exactly how a certain character felt after a certain tragic event...

(Yes, this is a dramatization of the end of chapter 23; I don't claim Watase's dialogue for my own at all)

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**Small Blue Thing**

"The scent of... toka."

He knew it. He knew he'd come for him. He always came back, didn't he, no matter how injured? So he couldn't keep him waiting. He started to pull himself out of bed, his body both hot and cold at the same time. This wasn't right, he knew this. He hesitated, one foot on the ground, half-rising from his pillow. _Her_ image flashed in his mind, her worried eyes and voice, but--

_He's waiting. I can't keep him waiting._

Ignoring his body's screaming commands to lie back down, to wait for _her_ instead, he pushed himself up and somehow managed to walk upright. He was going to get to him, no matter what it took.

"So... ru... en..."

_**Today I am  
A small blue thing  
Like a marble  
Or an eye**_

This wasn't right. He wasn't here. Hadn't been there to meet him. So something was wrong? No, likely it was his own fault. Wandered in the other direction. Hot, too hot. But it couldn't be too hot, it was too cold.

_Help me... please..._

Deep, deep down, he knew it was true, as undeniably true as that he had been destined to kill his father from birth. _But only because the bastard brought it upon himself_, he thought bitterly. _If he hadn't... killed my mother... and my __**true**__ father... and now this... now this!_

He felt a surge of rage, rage so powerful that he wanted to rip something from limb to limb. But he had no strength. Instead he found hot tears spilling over his sightless, feverish eyes. _It isn't true. This is the one thing he never... managed to do to me... he's out there looking for me, you'll see..._

The toka was growing closer.

He turned blindly, automatically, stumbling through the forest undergrowth and not watching where he was going, led only by the scent of toka. It was there, no doubt at all. And the voices were going closer. Finally, the one person who loved him, who cared about him, was coming to get him.

Of course, he'd forgotten about _her_.

She stood there crying, with two others watching helplessly on. In a slight moment of panic, he realized he remembered none of their names. There was only one name in his mind, the only name that mattered. He wasn't even sure what his own name was at the moment, he was so focused on that person's...

He didn't notice when she looked up and saw him, a cry of despair issuing from her mouth when she saw his state. She ran towards him, tears streaming down her face. For a moment, something within him moved, a well of emotion so powerful that he almost snapped out of his fevered state--

But then she cried "Uruki!!" and his emotions were suppressed.

_Uruki?_ he thought, confused. _I'm not Uruki. Never will be. Can't protect the priestess, must stay with... Soruen..._

She'd placed her hands on his chest as though to brace him both, her shoulders shaking. "Uruki..." she choked. "Thank God! Thank God you're safe... thank God!"

But he wasn't Uruki, he'd already turned away from that name. He looked down at her, not understanding. _Why_...he thought vaguely before a faint flicker of recognition sparked in the back of his mind. _Her name... _"Takiko...?" Was that right?

He looked up. The other two were staring at him, dumbfounded. He cocked his head slightly. Perhaps... "Hatsui? Tomite...?"

Someone was missing.

"Where's Soruen?"

_**With my knees against my mouth  
I am perfectly round  
I am watching you**_

"Uruki...?"

There was that name again. He found that for some reason, he'd placed his hands on her shoulders, as though protectively. It had been automatic. But he still didn't understand. Where _was_ he???

"Where's Soruen?" he repeated. "Soruen!" _Why are you not here when I need you?_

The tears had begun afresh, streaming down her face as she held out a hand to calm him. "Uruki..."

Was she crying for him?

Growing ever more panicked, he turned. Maybe Soruen was standing right behind him. "Soruen!!!" he yelled.

"Uruki!!"

Was she trying to tell him something?

"I'm here!" he cried, desperate. "Where are you, Soruen!!? Come out, Soruen!!"

She had wrapped her arms around one of his, clinging to him. He could feel her tears wetting his shirt. "Uruki!!"

_**I am cold against your skin  
You are perfectly reflected  
I am lost inside your pocket  
I am lost against  
Your fingers**_

Suddenly something inside him snapped, and a burning sensation spread throughout his body as every wound he had suddenly throbbed. He dropped to his knees, no longer having any energy to hold himself upright. And he could still feel her hands on his chest and back, supporting him as best she could. "Uruki..."

_Am I... Uruki?_

Then Tomite let out a shout. "Hagaasu?!"

He found himself slumped against her, too weak to even turn his head and look.

"He-Hey, you..." Tomite said nervously as Hagaasu approached. As the half-seishi drew nearer, it became apparent-- he had something of _his_.

Something clattered to the ground next to him, and he tremblingly pulled back from her to see.

"This embodies the soul of that man."

He knew that hilt and that sheath. He'd seen it many times, fighting alongside it. It had even saved his life once or twice. He held out a shaking hand and picked it up, gently, carefully, as though it might break, holding it close to his chest.

And then... it hit him.

_**I am falling down the stairs  
I am skipping on the sidewalk  
I am thrown against the sky**_

"I understand," he whispered hoarsely. "I was always... aware of it. That this is... a battle. It's not strange if someone gets killed..."

He'd seen many people get killed, and killed thousands himself. But this was one he couldn't accept... one death that just couldn't be true...

"Even when we part for just a while..." _He always comes back. _"Everytime... everytime..."

_"I've returned, Rimudo-sama."_

"Yes, I understand it." But that wasn't right, he knew that wasn't right. It had to be... no... "My _mind_... understands it."

She'd drawn back from him, but he could still feel that she was near. She was watching him, he knew, crying for him where he couldn't.

"I was aware... that the time would come..."

It was growing too hard to bear. He gripped more tightly onto the sheath, blood pounding in his ears. "Though I..." His voice was cracking. "Though I know that..." _My heart can't accept it!_

Finally it was too much, and once more he was crying, harder than he had ever cried before, teeth cleched, jaw trembling. And she hadn't moved to hold him or console him, and he felt even more lonely and desolate because of it.

_**I am raining down in pieces  
I am scattering like light  
Scattering like light  
Scattering like light**_

He was losing it, losing it quickly. "Soruen... why did you leave first!!? Why did you leave me!!?" The pain was getting to be too much to bear, his face was soaked with tears, dripping wet, and still she hadn't moved. He held the sword closer, curling his body around it. "Why didn't you just betray me!!? If you were going to die alone--!! I would forgive you!! If it's you, I'll forgive you!!" _Always forgive you. Always you._ _You held me... forgave me when I betrayed you... _"Even back then..." He remembered once more dangling from a cliff, held to life only by Soruen's hand, even though Tauru had been killed because of him. "If you had let go you could have enjoyed your life!!"

He was hotter than he could ever remember being, and no comforting hands were there to soothe him. Was she... was she scared of him? This thought only drove him further into his anguished, grieving, fevered fit. "Why..." he panted, shaking all over, "did you have to..." He had to say it. Had to acknowledge it. "...die..."

And the instant the word left his mouth he lost it completely.

"I don't want this, Soruen!!" he screamed. "Sorue...YAAAAAAAaaaaa!!!!!!"

_**Today I am  
A small blue thing  
Made of china  
Made of glass**_

_"Rimudo-sama."_

_Who..._

_"I was happy. Serving you, living with you... I would never, ever change that._"

_I'm so tired... so cold... alone... please, Soruen..._

_"I, Soruen, will always be by your side. That's why you must live, even while you are engulfed in this grief."_

_Live..._ _even in grief... because others..._

And Rimudo collapsed, shivering and shaking, body still tightly curled and wrapped with Soruen's sword pressed tightly to his body. He was going to live, and one day he'd get Soruen back.

He felt something cool pressing against his fevered body as Takiko held him close, crying softly with her grieving lover. "Live, Rimudo," she whispered. "Soruen died so you could live. Don't let that go to waste.."

"I won't," he mumbled, half-conscious. "I promise."

She tightened her grip and whispered, "Thank you."

_**I am cool and smooth and curious  
I never blink  
I am turning in your hand  
Turning in your hand  
Small blue thing**_

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End file.
